Celibacy

  Growing up I never felt like a normal heterosexual male. Not having a father or an active male in my life could be the cause of this dilemma. At age twenty-six my favorite set of company I love to entertain is my own thoughts. The beauty and wisdom of knowledge has replaced the idea of a physical person to call a companion. 

  Since the age of sixteen I have been riding under the label known as 'bilingual." The internal challenges that I went through no young man should never witness. However, the joy of being in a classroom had replaced all the pain and heartache. I would excel in the field of academics over anything else.     

  By the age of nineteen I am in college and have a difficulty with my identity (as it regarded the relation of the sexes). I didn't know whether I wanted to seek refuge in the presence of a female or with the same sex. It was like trying to solve this confusing Rubik's cube and not having the right person with the whereabouts as to how to use it. Push came to shove, I was lucky enough to live in a time period full of devices that one can consume for the releasing of frustrations.  

  During the Spring 2015 semester I was stuck in the middle of a two way flame. On the left hand side was a fellow classmate and a smart young woman by the name of "Natalie Kingsley." And on the right hand side was a guy I will call "Rico Sanchez." "Natalie" and I attended a Psychology 100 course together. Meeting her for the first time I knew that I had to approach her (someway or somehow). To be honest I only made one move on her and never looked in her direction again. It took me until the last two weeks of the semester to finally work my magic. In the form of a letter I expressed the feelings I had for her (or used to have). Reading it she almost lost her mind. By the last class "Natalie" was wearing a short black dress, which was a sign that she had moved on with someone else. "Rico" and I had met through another fellow classmate (this fellow classmate also attended the Psychology 100 course). While Jared and myself made a pit stop at the Fiterman Hall Building there he was. Introducing ourselves all I could feel was a hidden intimacy between us. Where did this come from? I can't tell you. Walking away from "Rico" reality set in and all the intimacy disappeared. If I ever had the choice of picking a flame I wouldn't because although I am born a sinner I was on a journey for purity with The Lord.   

  Fighting to discover my sexual identity is still something I crave. But, I have decided to take up a new shield. I came to an early conclusion that it is better to be celibate than to chase a person who will most likely be unworthy of your time and attention. James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room is a work that gave me hope and a new understanding as to how "love" really works. Baldwin's moral throughout the topic of love is the same as mine: "You cannot choose who you love. Love is where you find it." God is the only one that has the power to sit on a throne and judge, so the words of man have very little meaning. 

  One of the greatest joys of the world is to be single and drown in all it's loneliness. In loneliness there is comfort. With comfort comes inner peace. After you receive inner peace you will gain clarity (in more ways than one). Clarity gives one the ability to see through any lie or bloodsucker in disguise. I write this not to influence people to follow suit, but to make my case clear. There is no shame in me telling my truth. Living a non-nuclear lifestyle is the epitome of freedom. Everything I have earned, learned, gained, and restored is all due to a path I saw as righteous. I urge anyone to choose a path that best suits them and has a positive outcome for themselves and society.